Legally George

Richard Harrison amends a Formby classic for the benefit of the legal profession.

George Formby was a Lancastrian comedian, film actor, songwriter and banjolele player who was at one time the UK's highest paid entertainer. He did much to entertain the troops in Normandy in 1944.

The media historian Brian McFarlane wrote that, on film, Formby portrayed "essentially gormless incompetents, aspiring to various kinds of professional success... and even more improbably to a middle-class girlfriend, usually in the clutches of some caddish type with a moustache. Invariably he scored on both counts".

There are perhaps too many members of the legal profession to whom all that might be applicable. We shall return to that.

His strumming technique has become legendary, with split strokes, triples and fan strokes delighting aficionados. And his songs were masterpieces of unsubtle double-entendre and innocent smut.

His famous song "The Window Cleaner" (When I'm Cleaning Windows) was initially banned by the BBC. The corporation's director John Reith stated that "if the public wants to listen to Formby singing his disgusting little ditty, they'll have to be content to hear it in the cinemas, not over the nation's airwaves".

One of the bridge sections of the song sees the eponymous window cleaner reflecting how hard he works in his profession. Given that successive governments seem to have put the legal profession on an equivalent footing to the noble calling of casement valet, the thought occurred that we should have an anthem for ourselves: "When I'm drafting contracts", perhaps.

The original starts:

"Now I go window cleaning to earn an honest bob.
For a nosey parker it's an interesting job"

So for the pastiche, we change the set-up slightly:

"Now I go contract drafting to earn an honest bob.
For a greedy lawyer it's an interesting job"

And, as the original follows:

"Now it's a job that just suits me, a window cleaner you will be.
If you could see what I can see, when I'm cleaning windows"

so we continue:

"Now it's a job that might suit you, a pleasure known to just a few
If you could do what I can do, when I'm drafting contracts"

In the original, the suggestive smut starts:

"Honeymooning couples too,
You should see them bill and coo.
You'd be surprised at things they do
When I'm cleaning windows."

And in our pastiche, slightly less risqué to reflect legal reality:

"Well you can throw your worst at me
I see your point but disagree
I'll get a full indemnity
When I'm drafting contracts"

The pride in the profession is clear:

"In my profession I work hard, but I'll never stop
I'll climb this blinking ladder 'til I get right to the top"

And so our version goes:

"In my profession I work hard, I'll always keep a score
And I'll go on writing rubbish till I can't write anymore"

Later on we forget about double entendre and smut and dwell on some strange lawyerly proclivities:

"Long completion meetings might have very strange effects
And a well–honed set of warranties is pretty close to sex"

So all it needs now is a few nifty split strokes and triples and the world of the lawyer is invoked almost as temptingly as that of the window cleaner.

The full version is set out below, in the schedule, as it were.

Richard Harrison is a litigation lawyer.
He has occasionally been seen with his little ukulele in his hand.

richard.harrison@laytons.com